last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
