I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
