i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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