Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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