if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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