I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
