i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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