He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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