The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm always down for nudity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
