i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She even gives head with a lisp.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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