i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
