I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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