Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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