so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
