don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
