She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
