i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
