The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
