I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
