Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
