I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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