I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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