so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
