# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
