She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
