nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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