A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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