4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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