Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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