Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
