I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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