yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
