its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I did not marry a roomba.
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