I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
