Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
