ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
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