Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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