Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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