Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
