I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
