I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
