He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
