I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My ATM looks so different sober.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
