At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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