It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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