why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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