have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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