Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
