i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
