i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
