Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
