i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
