Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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