every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
