So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
