I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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